Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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