I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
