So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize