I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
