She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
