Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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