I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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