Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
