were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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