I want to have your abortion
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
