your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
