I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
