Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
