Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
