I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
