yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
