God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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