I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize