if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
