Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
