i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize