dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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