oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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