you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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