just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We don't watch enough power rangers
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
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