gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
