i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
