I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
