Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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