you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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