fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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