i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
