Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
