I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We are all done wearing pants today
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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