I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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