Swine flu. Run for my life!
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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