Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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