you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
