Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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