judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I supernannyed him into submission
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
