How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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