i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Send help, water and tortillas.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
