1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
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