as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
