Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
