Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
