does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
