Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
