Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Randomize
