i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
