I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm going to jail i love you
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
