Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
