Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize