Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
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