our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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