there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
