when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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