Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
